You Need to Serve a Mission!

Ten years ago this weekend (March 9, 2003) was the beginning of a major turning point in my life.

A big one.

You see, 10 years ago I made the decision to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And I can say that bar none, that was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

I think it’s safe to say that most people who knew me as I grew up – especially my family – always figured that I would serve a mission.  No one ever said anything about it, no one ever pressured me to serve one.  But because my religion was such a big part of my life, I embraced it voluntarily and whole-heartedly – and I was in the habit of working with the missionaries in my hometown and often gave Books of Mormons to my friends and elementary and high school teachers – I think people naturally assumed that I’d follow in my father’s and both of my sisters’ footsteps and serve a mission.  So you can imagine people’s shock when I announced sometime during my first two years of college that I wasn’t going to serve one.  I had decided to focus on my studies and finish up the art program quickly so I could graduate and move on with my life.  And I was ok with that – females aren’t required to serve missions, and I figured that I’d be able to contribute to missionary work by serving in my church and continuing the good habits I’d already developed.

So you can imagine how completely blindsided I was when I received the impression that I needed to serve as a missionary.  I mean it literally came out of nowhere and at a time when I least expected it.  The experience was so unique, so powerful, and as I said above, so life-changing that I remember the exact date it happened, where it happened, who I was with, and if I were to return to the room where it happened, I can tell you exactly where I was sitting.

March 9, 2003 was stake conference (a church meeting comprised of about 1500-2000 college-aged students who lived in the same geographical area), and the meetings were held in the Wilkinson Center ballroom on the BYU campus.  I was in the middle of fighting a cold, so I wasn’t in the best spirits – my throat hurt, my nose was runny, my eyes were really itchy, and I had a pounding headache.  To put it frankly, I was not too thrilled about being at the meeting – in fact I had absolutely no desire to be there.  I would have much preferred to be home in my nice warm bed sleeping.  I sat grumpily in my chair and promptly tuned out what the speakers were saying.  From time to time I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, wishing that my head would stop hurting and that I could just go back to bed.

Elder Butler, an area authority, and his wife were there presiding over the meeting.  Evidently the Butlers had just finished a 3-year assignment as mission presidents of the Massachusetts Boston Mission (at least that’s the mission I think they presided over), and two of their former missionaries were in our congregation.  Elder Butler asked those individuals – a male and a female – to come to the rostrum and bear their testimonies.  The young man went first.  I have no recollection of what he said.   My headache prevented me from really focusing on what he was saying, and even if I could have, remember dear reader, I was being a total brat and I had categorically refused to enjoy the meeting.

Then the woman stood up.  She was one of those individuals who have the energy of three people and are so cheery and bubbly that they make you sick.  You know the type, the ones you’d love to punch in the face because really, it’s just not healthy to have an attitude like that.  I rolled my eyes, rested my elbows on my knees, plopped my head into my hands, and watched her from the corner of my eye.  My roommate, DeAnn, was sitting next to me and she started to rub on my back.  The girl at the podium was going on and on and on, and in my head I was willing her to be quiet.  Near the end of her address she said something to the effect of, “I encourage all of you women to serve a mission.  It’s the best thing in the world.”  At that I rolled my eyes again and dug the base of my hands into my eyes trying to get the pain in my head to go away.  I thought to myself, “Man, chica!  Shut up!  And no thanks, I don’t want to serve a mission.”  And I promptly tuned out the rest of her remarks.  Finally she stopped speaking and backed away from the microphone.  I was still bent over my knees with my head in my hands and I muttered to myself, “At least that’s over!!”  In the 10 seconds that lapsed from the time that the girl left the podium to the time that Elder Butler stood up to speak, the quiet words You need to serve a mission popped into my head.  I quipped, “Nope.  No way.  Don’t want to.”

I don’t really have the words to describe what happened next.  The closest thing to even begin to portray what happened is to say that an invisible force hit me like a ton of bricks, almost like it had grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me upright.  It was practically tangible, and I sat straight up in my chair.  I sat up so fast that I scared DeAnn – she even jumped, poor thing!  My other two roommates were sitting on the opposite side of me, and they turned and looked at me, too, trying to figure out what was wrong.  Needless to say, that snapped me out of the negativity I was wallowing in.  All of my attention was directed at the words that accompanied that “shove.”  They weren’t louder, but they pressed upon my mind with a lot more force.  You need to serve a mission.  

I replied, “But I don’t want to serve a mission.  If I serve a mission I’ll end up going to France, and I hate speaking French.”

The quiet, piercing words responded, That doesn’t matter.  You need to serve a mission.  Then a calming warmth enveloped me, and it felt as if my heart was on fire.

Tears came to my eyes and I said, “But I don’t want to speak French.”

I immediately felt those same words.  You need to serve a mission.

I quickly enumerated the reasons why I “couldn’t” go on a mission – i.e.: I was making significant headway in the illustration program, I was almost done with school and it didn’t make sense to take a break from my studies, there was a young man that I was interested in and was willing to see where our relationship went and plus, I really didn’t want to go to France.

None of those things really matter.  You need to serve a mission.

Needless to say, I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the meeting (par for the day).  I vaguely remember seeing Elder Butler deliver his address, but I have no idea what he said.  I sat in that chair arguing back and forth with that voice (and for the record, no I am not schizophrenic).  I presented all of the things I thought were valid reasons to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t serve a mission, and each time I did, that burning feeling increased to the point that my whole body shook and tears streamed down my face.

Finally the meeting ended, and I made a bee-line home.  I don’t even remember the walk back, nor do I remember if my roommates returned with me.  The next thing I knew I was locked in my bedroom, kneeling at the side of my bed and trying to gather my thoughts before I prayed to God.  Finally I said, “Heavenly Father today I have had many impressions that I should serve a mission.  I know that they came from Thee.  But Father, do I–” I was about to ask if I had to serve a mission.  But this thought came: God doesn’t force anyone to do anything… no one has to do anything.  So I began praying again and rephrased the question.  “Father, is it really in my best interests to serve a mission?”  Immediately that burning feeling intensified, and I felt – rather than heard – the word Yes.  

That was it.  That’s all I had to know.

I took a deep breath and said, “Ok.  I’ll do it.  But I need Thy help with three things.  Please take care of my schooling.  I’m in a competitive program and I cannot afford to regress in my artistic abilities.  Please help me with my relationship with P so I can feel more at ease with putting that on hold.  And finally Father, I hate speaking French.  I had terrible experiences my senior year of high school with my French teacher.  I only took French 202 here at BYU so I wouldn’t have to take math classes because I hate math even more than I hate French.  I know if I serve a mission that I’ll get sent to France…  so please help me to learn to love French again.”

I got up from my knees and crawled on top of my bed.  I laid down and cried.  I really wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect of serving a mission.  I was almost devastated.  For those readers who aren’t familiar with how members of the LDS Church are assigned to missions, the applicant doesn’t decide where s/he serves.  Rather, members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles review his/her application and recommends a mission to the President of the Church – a man who we believe to be a prophet, a man with a calling similar to Moses – and he essentially makes the final decision.  He then issues the applicant’s mission call by letter.  I had absolutely no control over where I would go.

Yet I knew that I would be sent to France.

So I called my sister Amber and asked – or rather demanded – that she come to Provo and pick me up so I could talk with her.  I didn’t say why, but she’d figured out why by the time she arrived at my apartment.  According to her, she said that she knew I’d gotten “thumped.”  Seriously, that’s what she said – with a smile and laugh pulling at her lips.  She took me out to Village Inn and bought me pie, and we talked about her mission and how it had blessed her.  She was beaming the whole time because she was so happy that I was going, and I was hiccuping over my sobs because I didn’t want to go to France and I knew I would.  I was heartsick.

But I was true to the promise that I made with God in that prayer – I would prepare myself, and then serve.  And He was true to what I asked Him to do.  Within one week all three of the things that I asked for help with were taken care of.  I spoke with my art professors and learned what I had to do to reserve my place in the program, events happened enabled my heart to be at ease in regards to P, and I went out and bought a French translation of The Book of Mormon and began reading it from the beginning.

Many other things that I consider miracles happened between that day and the time when I was eligible to turn in my mission papers.  (I was 3 weeks shy of my 20th birthday, and back then the age at which females could first serve a mission was 21.  Applicants could send in their papers 3 months before their birthday).  One of those miracles occurred during the October 2003 sessions of General Conference.  The general leadership of the LDS Church address the church membership, and the broadcasts of the conference are sent via satellite to chapels all over the world and are simultaneously translated in over 80 languages.  My roommate Ginger and I were able to go up to Salt Lake and attend the conference in person.  When one of the Apostles, Elder Richard G. Scott, stood to speak, one of the most amazing things happened.  He began talking about the blessings one receives for serving a faithful mission.  Despite sitting in an auditorium that seats 21,000 people, it seemed as if he and I were the only ones there.  It was like he was talking directly to me, just for me.  He addressed concerns that I had.  Overall his talk acted as a confirmation that the decision I had made in regards to serving a mission was correct.

Fast forward to Thursday  February 19, 2004, 11 months after that stake conference with Elder Butler and his cheerful sister missionary.  My papers had been at Church Headquarters for approximately 2 weeks, and on that day I was sitting in the relaxing quiet of my figure drawing class drawing the live model.  Out of the blue I felt these words come to mind: Your mission call has just been decided by Elder Scott.  My eyes filled with tears and I had to stop drawing because I couldn’t see what I was doing.  Fortunately our professor called a 10 minute break, so I ran up the stairs and went to the computer lab to email my sister, Autumn.  Since I knew that Elder Scott’s recommendation would be sent on to President Gordon B. Hinckley within the next couple of business days, I wrote to tell her what had just happened and that I would receive my mission call and packet the next Wednesday, February 25th.  Later I spoke with some of my closest friends and said that I’d have my call the next week.  They asked how I knew and I said, “I just know it.”  One of them said, “You know, Lark, my brother’s mission call took 4 weeks to get to him, and he was here at BYU.    Your papers have only been in two weeks – there’s no way you could possibly know when it will arrive.”  I shrugged my shoulders and changed the subject.

On the morning of the 25th I woke up and was as excited as could be.  I knew that my letter would be in the mail when I got home that day.  It was all I could do to focus on my classes.  Finally I finished up on campus and rushed home.  Sure enough, there it was on the table.  Some of my closest friends came over to watch me open it (thanks, Nielson family!!), and I called my parents and opened my letter with them on the phone.  I read

Dear Sister Porter:  You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  You are assigned to labor in the France Toulouse Mission… [and signed by President Hinckley at the end]

France.  Big surprise.

But I was so excited and so happy!  By then I’d read The Book of Mormon all the way through in French – I’d already done so numerous times in English – and true to what I’d asked for in that prayer, I’d regained my enthusiasm for French.

My mission was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I had to overcome lots of challenges.  I met people who were really rude and antagonistic towards my church and the message that I had to share.  But I served the full 18 months, and I was blessed beyond measure.  I made several lasting friendships, both with the persons I served and those who I served with.  My love for the Savior grew a thousand-fold, and I came home with a deep and abiding love for France, the French culture, and the French-speaking people I met and taught.

With my second mission president and his wife - President and Soeur Merrell

With my second mission president and his wife – President and Soeur Merrell

With Soeurs Poirier and Green in Nîmes

With Soeurs Poirier and Green in Nîmes

With one of my best friends from high school - she happened to be in Bordeaux doing a study abroad at the same time I was serving there.  We had no idea that the other person was there!

With one of my best friends from high school – she happened to be in Bordeaux doing a study abroad at the same time I was serving there. We had no idea that the other person was there!

Today, ten years later, as I reflect back on what happened on March 9, 2003 and on what I prayed for that afternoon, I am humbled and grateful that God hears and answers prayers.  My prayer was quite simple, and in many ways, it was kind of selfish.  Remember that I didn’t pray for the people that I’d eventually meet and teach…  They didn’t even enter my mind – I prayed that I would learn to love French again.

Well, I got a lot more than what I bargained for.

Little did I know that that one request would launch me on a path that has allowed me to use my French in some way every single day since I entered the Missionary Training Center on June 2, 2004.  Little did I know that that path would lead me to earn a bachelors degree in French Studies, a masters degree in French literature, and – in the near future – a PhD in French and Francophone African literatures.  Little did I know that I would teach French at BYU and at UW-Madison, little did I know that I’d return to my mission area in France and teach in a French high school.  Little did I know that ten years from that day I’d be living in Dakar, Senegal conducting doctoral research and gaining a love for the Senegalese and their culture.

With Mom and Dad at my BYU graduation - 2007

With Mom and Dad at my BYU graduation – 2007

With Madame Thompson, my BYU mentor and dear friend AND the reason why I am now earning a PhD in French and Francophone African Literatures

With Madame Thompson, my BYU mentor and dear friend AND the reason why I am now earning a PhD in French and Francophone African Literatures

Masters hood and gown at the University of Wisconsin-Madison Commencement Ceremony – Dec 2011

Lots of people ask me why I served a mission for my church.  I served a mission because I wanted to be obedient to what I felt that day.  I knew where those impressions came from, and I knew that God knew it.  I also served a mission because I know how much happiness the teachings of this Church can bring to people.  I served a mission because I knew that God loves His children, and I wanted to help people feel that love.

Who knew how far reaching the simple words of you need to serve a mission could be?

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Porter vs. Potter – It’s Not What You Think

Last night I went over to Mamadou Bâ’s house to relax, talk literature and politics, and eat dinner.  He invites me over at least once a month – a kind gesture that I am very grateful for.  He and his family live with his brother’s family, and his youngest nephew, Patrice, is 4 years old.  Patrice is fairly shy when it comes to interacting with toubabs (white people), so it has taken him nearly 8 months to work up the courage to sit next to me, respond to the questions I ask, and talk about the things that interest him.  It’s not like he hides when I come over or anything – he is perfectly content to stare at me from across the room and jump in front of my camera when I want to take pictures.  But he doesn’t talk to me other than saying “Bonjour.”

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So last night I was pretty happy when he sat on the couch right next to me and started jabbering away.  Then he grabbed Mamadou’s phone and started taking pictures of me, and then he wanted me to draw with him.  Then he and I had a Wolof lesson – I’d point at something and talk about it in Wolof (if I knew the vocab for it), and he’d point at other things and tell me what they were.  A neighbor lady came to pay Mamadou a visit during this time, and she started talking to me in English and after a while I spoke to her in Wolof.  She asked about my family and I responded in Wolof.  Patrice perked up at that…  He pointed to my computer and wanted to see my pictures.  This is what he said (in French):

“Lark, show me pictures of Harry Potter.”

“I don’t have any pictures of Harry Potter, Patrice.”

He furrowed his little brow and said in a very confused voice, “How can you not have pictures of him?  He’s your brother!!!”

Trying not to laugh at the little guy, I looked over at Mamadou and asked good-naturedly, “What have you been telling him??”

Mamadou started laughing and said, “Yeah, after the first time you came over he asked lots of questions about you, and he had trouble saying your last name.  I kept repeating ‘Porter, Porter…’ and he kept saying ‘Potter, Potter… like Harry Potter?’  It went on forever.  So I finally said ‘Yes, he’s her brother.’  And unfortunately it stuck!  And any time when he wanted to see you or when he wanted to know when you were coming over next he’d ask, ‘When is Harry Potter’s sister coming over??’  I don’t even try to explain it to him anymore…”

NO WONDER THE KID WOULDN’T COME NEAR ME!!  He probably thought I’d whip my wand out and turn him into a toad…  Poor boy!

It must be known that French speakers have often made this mistake.  Porter is French for the verbs to wear and to carry – hence the reasons why the servants who carried French and English kings’ bags/belongings were called porters.  But when saying the verb, one doesn’t emphasize the last ‘r.’  In order to pronounce my last name in French, one has to emphasize the ‘r’ and that pronunciation is quite close to how French speakers say ‘Potter.’  So for a 4 year-old, it’s quite natural to get the two mixed up.  But even adults have problems differentiating it – when I introduced myself on my mission, grown adults would often respond with, “Oh, like Harry Potter!!”  I got kind of sick of it (especially when my name tag was right in front of their face and they could see that the spelling was completely different), so the last couple of months of my mission I’d keep a straight face when someone said that and responded back with, “Yes, he’s my brother.”  It was pretty funny to see their reaction – they seemed to forget that Harry Potter is very much a FICTIONAL character… they took it hook, line, and sinker!

Anyway, Patrice wasn’t paying attention to anything Mamadou was explaining to me, and he kept tapping my arm saying, “I want to see pictures of Harry Potter!”  So I googled some pictures and his face brightened up immediately.  “See!” he exclaimed, “You look just like him!”

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What, dear reader?  You’re kidding!  You mean to tell me that you don’t see the family resemblance??  Obviously you’re not a 4 year-old…

Wait! I Know That Young Woman!

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That’s what Paul Thompson said to his wife, Marba, as they watched my mother, then a 20 year-old BYU co-ed, stop to pet a dog outside of her apartment complex.  Yet he’d never actually met her…  Paul and Marba had … Continue reading

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Nighttime Enlightenment

Aside

**Warning: this post describes some of my volunteer work with the street children in downtown Dakar.  Some parts are fairly graphic.  I’m not trying to sensationalize the story, I’m just trying to make an accurate account of what I saw and experienced.  This is their reality, and it would be dishonest and very unfair to these individuals to gloss over the more somber details.**

I just got back from a night “maraude” – or cruise – with employees of Samusocial Senegal, an NGO that works with street children.  Their center is in Ouakam, a neighborhood near Les Almadies on the northern portion of the Cape Verde Peninsula where Dakar is located, and they welcome kids who come off of the streets.  They have a few rooms and beds for those kids who prove that they’re trying to get off the street rather than just abusing the center’s resources.  During the day kids can come and play foosball, do crafts, play soccer, and get a good meal.  Twice a day – once during the afternoon and once at night – a center employee, a volunteer doctor, and a driver go out in a little miniature ambulance and drive around the city to specific locations where they know street children gather.  The  ambulance is nothing more than a van with two worn-out bucket seats, an ancient-looking stretcher, a 10-gallon water container and a cup for washing and drinking, and a filing cabinet filled with forms and medical supplies.  They provide basic first aid for various wounds, and if needed they take the kids to the hospitals for x-rays or emergency treatment.  Samusocial allows other people ride along in the ambulance and volunteer their time by helping the kids.

So I went on one tonight.  And I have to say that, bar none, the two hours I spent with them afforded me the most eye-opening and most productive experiences I’ve had since my arrival in Senegal.  They also took all of the aspects that I’ve been studying academically and professionally and shoved them up front and center.  It was like someone yanked me out of the abstract realm comprised of concepts, literary applications, legislation and sociocultural phenomena and slammed me hard on the ground while saying, “Stop swimming through and attempting to mold sense out of word soup.  Here’s the hard and fast truth.  This is their reality, and it isn’t pretty.”

It’s not like I’ve been oblivious to the street children – that’s literally impossible.  They’re everywhere, and they range in age from little toddlers to teenagers.  Hundreds of them have approached me to ask me for money, dressed literally in rags and covered in light gray grime.  Only the lucky ones have shredded footwear – most run around barefoot.  The talibés’ “look” isn’t complete without their trusty tin tomato cans or red and yellow plastic bowls that they use to collect coins and scraps of food.  All street children wander in and out of traffic – it’s a wonder that more of them aren’t seriously injured by the cars – tapping on car windows, breathing in thick black exhaust in the process, trying to sell something (or steal it), or they’re just trying to survive and avoid getting beaten up by older kids or their adult guardians.  But during the day they put their guard up, and once they get their alms (or even if they don’t), they quickly move on to the next person.  They move from one area of town to another in little packs and then spread out on the sidewalks in order to get to as many people as possible.  Some might smile at you if you try and talk to them, but most scurry off.  The order of the day is to get as much money or food as they can and avoid the flailing hands and feet of outraged superiors.

Seeing them at night is a completely different experience.  The crowds of pedestrians and shoppers are gone, the streets are fairly void of cars, the street vendors have left, and their abandoned, wooden-skeletoned boutiques with spindly legs line the streets like a silent, immobile army of giant spiders.  Pale orange light from the occasional street lamp or florescent lighting from hole-in-the-wall restaurants and bars slice unevenly through the thick shroud of darkness.  The red-orange sand blown in on the Harmattan winds from the Sahara has, for the most part, finally settled and it gives the scene an even more surreal eeriness.  For all of their visibility during the day, the street kids really know how blend into the shadows of their dingy, nighttime ghosttown-like surroundings.  They’re hardly noticeable.  But they’re there.

The driver parked the ambulance directly under a street lamp located right in the middle of downtown Dakar.  The doctor touched me on my shoulder and said, “Do you know where we are?”  I told him that I knew we were in downtown Dakar on the Plateau but I had no idea where.  He laughed and said, “Surely you’ve been to Sandaga?”  I told him that I walk through Sandaga (Dakar’s largest and busiest outdoor market) every day on the way to and from work.  He chuckled and said, “Then you should know where we are.”  I looked around again.  Sure enough, we were in the heart of the market but the scenery had changed so drastically that I initially didn’t recognize it.  The driver and the other Samusocial employee, Aminata, laughed good-naturedly at me and the doctor said, “Don’t worry – even the Senegalese get stumped when we come here at night.”

Then Aminata pointed to our right at the “sidewalk” next to us and said, “There they are.”  All I could see was a crumbling wall decorated with scrawling black, blue, and green graffiti and wooden boutique tables lined up underneath it.  I looked harder and I finally made out the shapes of two boys curled up on top of the tables and three others stretched out underneath the tables.  All of them had found some sort of tattered burlap sack or ripped up sheet and they were using them as blankets.  Most of them had their heads covered, too.  Soon I saw the dark silhouettes of other boys come out of the shadows and they sat down on the broken tiles that made up a section of the sidewalk, waiting for us to get out of the ambulance.  Samusocial has been doing these excursions for 10 years, so the kids recognize the ambulance and they know that they can receive any medical help they may need, or if they’re not hurt, they can at least get some food – usually in the form of crackers and granola bars.

We got out of the van and immediately the faces of 3 boys lit up in a smile.  They gave high-fives to the doctor and driver and one of them turned to me, said “Toggal,”  (sit down) and offered me a stool that he was sitting on.  One boy about 15 years old who was wearing a blue and white AC/DC shirt started talking to us and once he moved into the light, I could see that he was high – I’m surprised he was still conscious.  His eyes were hooded and glazed over, his speech was incredibly slurred and even though my Wolof is fairly elementary, I could tell that he was just speaking a bunch of jibberish.  He perpetually leaned to his left, and when he tried to stand up he nearly fell over.  The boys who weren’t as impaired talked openly and freely with us and one of them tried giving me a Wolof slang lesson.  Soon a pack of little 7-year-old talibés found us.  A couple of them were drowning in oversized boubous, and they of course had their trusty tomato can tucked under their arms. They watched us with wide eyes and they never said a word the whole time they were there.

A few minutes into our visit, I watched as the driver approached the boys who were sleeping on and under the tables.  I grimaced to see how weather-beaten the wood was.  It looked like the antique, gray wood from my grandpa’s barn – blanched, rough, and warped – a perfect nest of long, ugly slivers.  The scraps of material that they were using as covers were stained with dirt, grease, and bodily fluids and were certainly huge cesspools of germs and infections.  The boys under the tables had managed to fall asleep on top of large, uneven chunks of cement, cinderblock, and gravel – the vestiges of a once-well-poured sidewalk and solid wall.  A combination of dust from the cement and the red Sahara sands had settled over a partially dried pool of leaked oil, making an annoyingly grainy, and due to the chunks I described previously, very uncomfortable bed.  The driver started talking to them in a loud voice to try and wake them.  Nothing.  I got closer to them and looked at their faces (the ones that weren’t covered).  They were sleeping far too soundly for regular slumber.  Their breathing was too shallow, and there was absolutely no reaction to the driver or the older kids’ conversation that had risen from a low buzz to a raucous discussion.  My sports medicine and first aid training kicked in and since I wasn’t allowed to touch anyone, I was dying inside for someone to check their eyes and their pulse.  The driver tousled their hair in an effort to wake them up, but to no avail.  Finally the doctor noticed what was going on (by now there were about 15 kids there) and he came over, felt for their pulse (they had one) and lifted their eyelids to look at their eyes.  Even in the dark I could tell that they, too, were drugged.  The youngest of the boys looked to be about 8 or 9 years old.  I asked the doctor what they’d gotten high on and he said that the kids soak cloths in gasoline, turpentine or other strong odorants, hold them to their noses and breathe in the fumes.  A quick, easy, and powerful drug.

Almost on cue, a dizzying waft of gasoline that had been mixed with another substance cut through the acrid stench of stale urine that permeated the area where we were standing.  I turned around and AC/DC Fan and one of his younger sidekicks were standing next to me.  Tonto was holding a balled-up red cloth to his nose, he had a quirky smile plastered on his face, and he was looking at me with a crazy, glaze-eyed stare.  AC/DC Fan was trying to get the cloth away from him so he could get another fix, but finally Tonto shoved him against one of the tables with the passed-out kids sleeping on it.  That woke one of them up and he wasn’t too happy about it.  All during this time the driver was trying to wake up the littlest boys sleeping on the ground, and his efforts and the commotion from AC/DC Fan and Tonto finally paid off.  They stirred on the ground and “responded” to the driver’s questions, but they quickly rolled over and blacked out again.  Resuscitated Kid slid off the table (SLIVERS!!) and staggered around trying to talk to his buddies.

We started handing out food – some of them waited patiently for it and others lunged for it. Our group had grown to approximately 20 people, including some teenage girls who had gotten caught up in the sex trade.  A couple of them had 8 or 10 month-old babies on their backs.  One of the babies caught sight of me and looked at me for a solid 5 minutes.  I went over to her and rubbed on her little face and talked to her in a mixture of French and my broken Wolof.  She was so extremely tired and dirty.  Sleep and other gunk had crusted around the entirety of both her eyes.  She stared and stared at me, blinking slowly every now and then, trying to fight off sleep.  It was 10:15 PM, she was in a noisy environment, and to make things worse, AC/DC and Tonto were still wobbling around, grappling over their gasoline concoction.  They must have soaked the cloth again because the stench was even stronger and it was smelling up the whole area.  My head began to spin and my stomach turned a few times.  I can’t imagine what the fumes were doing to those poor babies.  More talibés had shown up by that time – one wasn’t much older than my 27-month-old nephew, Henry – and they looked up at us with beseeching eyes and held out their little hands to get something to eat.  My eyes teared up when I saw that one.  He wasn’t any older than 2.5 years old and he carried a tomato tin that was almost as big as he was.

The doctor climbed into the ambulance and motioned for the kids who were hurt to line up.  I got in, too, and watched him care for their wounds.  One boy had a bunch of bloody flesh hanging from his middle finger on his right hand, and he had a swollen left eye, complete with a bright pink cut/burn that was located next to his left tear duct.  He’d obviously been sniffing stuff, too, because his eyes were all red and he could hardly sit up.  The second boy had his right hand wrapped up in gauze – undoubtedly the doctor did that a couple of days ago – and when the doctor cut it off I saw huge, blood and puss-filled blisters and cuts on his palm.  I asked what had happened to those two boys, and the doctor said that in order to prove their bravery and strength, street kids self-inflict pain by doing various things i.e.: cutting themselves, drinking or eating toxic foods, burning themselves, or holding burning firecrackers as long as they can before the fuse burns out and the firework explodes.  Some don’t let go, even when it explodes.  That’s what those two boys had done.  The first boy dropped it as it was exploding (thus his mangled finger) and parts of the casing hit him in the eye.  He was lucky because if it’d hit him just a half a centimeter to the left, he probably would have lost his eye.  The second boy didn’t drop the firework when it exploded.  A third boy about 17 years-old and really muscular had defensive wounds on his arms that needed bandaging, and others kids had minor scrapes and burns that needed attention.

I turned my attention back to the kids outside and I saw that a third member had joined AC/DC Fan and Tonto – it was actually the kid they woke up during their initial scuffle – but this one was so high that he was rotating his hips and shimmying his shoulders to music only he could hear.  If he had his head on straight, he’d probably make a good salsa dancer.  Every once in a while he’d stop, bend over, and then laugh silently.  Sometimes he’d slap his legs like he’d heard the world’s funniest joke, other times he’d walk up to another person and speak jibberish to them.  The doctor and I got out of the ambulance and I joined Aminata under the street lamp.  She said that all of the older boys were street children through and through, meaning that they weren’t talibés (Koranic students) but that they roamed the streets stealing, finding ways to drug themselves, and just trying to survive.  All of them had had complete ruptures with their families.  The little kids were mostly talibés since they had their signature tomato cans, although some of them would probably end up fleeing their Koranic teacher and joining their street friends.  The girls were street kids, too, but a couple are being trafficked for sex.  She pointed out a tall, skinny kid with clear, bright eyes and said that he was a newcomer.  He just arrived from Kaolack (one of the cities that I drove through on my work trip last month), and he ran away from home.  Evidently his father was abusive.  Aminata said that he hadn’t gotten in the habit of drugging himself – his eyes told us that one.  I found myself silently praying that he wouldn’t ever start.  Salsa Dancer had stumbled his way over to Newcomer, and he was making elaborate and slightly inappropriate figure-eights with his hips.  Newcomer ignored him (yay!!).

I don’t know where his stash was, but Salsa Dancer absolutely reeked of the gasoline concoction.  I was starting to get physically ill from the fumes, but I snapped back to attention when I saw his gaze shift over to me.  I wasn’t afraid of him, but his eyes were really creepy.  It wasn’t evil or menacing – it was quite evident that none of these kids would do anything to hurt us…  I don’t know how to explain it, but I never felt threatened by any of them.  In fact, I had the very strong impression that if anyone – whether a member of their group or an outsider – had made a hostile move against any of us, those street kids would have fought to defend us.  But nevertheless, there was something in Salsa Dancer’s eyes that unnerved me.  The only word that comes to mind is wild.  He was completely and literally out of his mind.  He stumbled over to where Aminata and I stood and got within 6 inches of my face.  His eyes squinted into his crazy, quirky smile and he watched me to see if I’d flinch.  Not that I go around looking for trouble or anything but since I had knives and worse things pulled on me on my mission, I wasn’t about to get scared of a kid doped up on gasoline fumes.  Plus I knew that the Samusocial employees wouldn’t let anything happen to me, either.  When I didn’t react, he backed up and cocked his head and looked at me for a few seconds.  Then he bent over and did his laughing bit again and wandered over to someone else.

We packed up our stuff around 10:45 PM.  Back in the ambulance I asked the doctor why the kids drug themselves.  He explained that some of them get addicted to harder drugs, too, and that for the most part it was a coping mechanism.  They try to block out pain from injuries and beatings, they try to forget various things in their past and present reality, and some do it because they’re tired of living.  I’m sure that other reasons come into play, too.  I’ve found a lot of literary references to street kids and/or child-soldiers who get addicted to drugs, so it was really something to experience that tonight.

All in all, it was a sobering and heart-wrenching experience.  But I’m looking forward to doing another one.  While it was really hard to see those things – especially those little kids who were the same ages as my nephews – It felt good to help those kids out.

It was definitely an experience that I’ll never forget.