Reflections

It’s after midnight here in Dakar so that means that technically, I fly home to the United States in two days.  Yep, two days from now I’ll be back in Madison, hugging my dad (and probably crying), eating some really yummy food, and sleeping in my bed for the first time in 10 months.  And the day after my mom will be flying home from Utah and the hugging and crying will start all over again.  We’re criers in our family.  But they’ll be good tears.

While I am profoundly grateful for the experiences I’ve had, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve visited and the things that I have learned, I am absolutely thrilled and even more grateful to be going home.

My first two weeks will be a whirlwind of activities, including finalizing things for my new apartment, getting things settled with my car, going through belongings to see what things I can get rid of, seeing my extended family over the Fourth of July weekend, and moving into said new apartment.  And from the minute I step off of that plane at O’Hare – wait, probably from the time I board the plane in Dakar – I will get questions like, “Why did you go to Senegal?”  “Why did you choose that particular topic when you could have chosen so many more positive things to write your dissertation on?”  “Why Africa?”  Those are all  good, valid questions.  But more often than not, I’ll also get the more banal, humdrum, run-of-the-mill, barely-scratch-the surface questions like “What was your favorite thing/place/person you saw/visited/met in Senegal?”  “Do the Senegalese have TVs and drive cars?” “What’s the food like?”  “How was the weather?” And my all-time favorite: “In three or four sentences, tell us about the highlights of your trip.”

HUH??  As Genie says in Aladdin, “What?  Doth my ears deceive me??”  I just spent 10 months over there and you want me to distill all of the sights, smells, tastes, people, joys, frustrations, things-I-wish-I-did-differently moments, cultural adjustments, soul-searching, fear, bewilderment, helplessness, empowerment and happiness I experienced into 3 or 4 sentences?  You’re nuts!  (And evidently, so I am I because I just quoted a line from a 21 year-old Disney film in an otherwise very somber, intellectual post.  Seriously, guys, I haven’t watched that movie in at least 15 years.  But that’s beside the point).

I know that these types of questions are coming because those are the exact same questions people asked me when I came back from my other two residencies abroad… except for the TVs and cars one…  And in all fairness, those types of questions aren’t an affront to me or what I study.  The people who ask them have good intentions, and they’re trying to express interest in what I do and understand what makes me and my research tick.  So I can’t get miffed about it.  And usually I don’t.  Because I understand.  I’ve asked those stupid questions myself in the past, even when I knew better.  But they’re not the best kind of questions that one should ask another person who has dedicated the last however many months or years to a single topic/area of expertise and who will continue to dedicate – or at least be heavily interested and involved with it – for the rest of his or her life.

So what types of questions should be asked by others – including by the one who had the experience (aka – during moments of self-reflection and pondering)?  Well, in essence, the ones that you have to think about in order to formulate and the ones that become springboards to substantial elaboration.  Here are a few off the top of my head:

  • What are some of the most important things you learned during your time abroad?
  • What aspect of their culture touched your heart the most?  Why?
  • What do you appreciate the most about those people/cultures/experiences and why?
  • How has this time made you a better person?
  • How are you going to take what you have learned and make a difference in your life and the lives of the people you will touch in the future?
  • What would you want someone like me to understand about x, y, or z?
  • What were the things you experienced over there make you more grateful for your upbringing/cultural heritage/family/job/blessings?
  • Are there any people/places/things (yes, that is the definition of a noun) that you hope to never take for granted again and why?
  • How have you changed for the better?
  • What did you do when times got tough and you wanted to throw in the towel?  What kept you going?
  • How did you see the hand of God directing you or the people you worked with?

Those are hard questions, and your friend may have a little difficulty answering them.  Or at least putting all of those feelings into words for the first time.  But those are the ones that really show interest, and more often than not, those are the questions that s/he wants you to ask because their answers will embody the complexity of the most important aspects of their experience.  Some of those questions are quite personal and depending on how well you know him/her, they might be inappropriate for you to ask.  However, those questions will get him/her thinking and will help that individual identify and process the richness and uniqueness of their experiences.  If they can’t share them with you, at least you’ve helped them put feelings and heart beats into words.

So by all means, when you see me, ask me those questions.  As soon as I stepped off the plane into the stifling humidity that envelops Dakar in September, I’ve been asking myself those exact questions, trying to wade through some of the answers and trying to formulate them into one cohesive whole.  It’s hard because they’re multi-faceted and don’t lend well to quick, off-the-cuff conversations.

A lot of you ask me why I don’t write more specifically about the things I’m researching and seeing with the children.  Well, there are several reasons.  First, some of the things I’ve experienced here are so completely unbelievable that if I hadn’t seen them myself, I’d question my honesty as I reported them.  Second, you have no idea how much suffering these people go through, nor can you readily identify with how happy most of them remain throughout their horrendous difficulties.  You have to see it and experience it for yourself.  Most of us Westerners really need to suck it up, stop whining, and look for the blessings in our lives.  Because we flip out if we can’t get the smartphone we want or go on that trip we’ve been looking forward to, etc.  We think our life is “over” if we have to go without this or that or don’t do this or that.  Give me a break, guys.  These people are pretty down far the ladder in terms of material wealth and bodily health, and yet their smiles are some of the biggest and brightest I have ever seen, and their laughs have more life and sincerity than the majority of ours.  And yes, I am chastising myself just as much as I’m chastising you.  Because I flip out unnecessarily, too.

Third, a lot of what I’ve been doing will turn into intellectual property and play major roles in my dissertation and future publications.  So it isn’t necessarily in my best academic or professional interest to have them plastered on the internet for others to take and use for their own purposes without being able to control how they’re used.  Fourth, and most importantly, I have seen and experienced things that are so terrible and evil… that I don’t think I will ever be able to talk about them – and if by some miracle I do, it will be several years down the road.

But I can tell you the following.

I am proud and humbled to be an American.  I love my country, I love my freedoms, and I hate seeing them being stripped away by people who think we need to be more like other countries and other cultures.  I will not apologize for or be ashamed of what we hold dear, nor will I bow down to what other people think we should do/be or not do/be.  Because I have seen what such actions can do to a whole society.  And Senegal is a model in West Africa and the surrounding area.  The Senegalese have it good compared to other countries.  Think about that one for a while.  Are they good people?  Do they have things to offer me and others as far as values and the way they treat others?  Do they have just as much inherent potential and value as you or me?  By and large, have I enjoyed my experience with them?  To all of these questions, I respond, by all means YES!  But I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with gratitude when I see my flag and think of the myriad of things it symbolizes.

Similarly, we all need to be careful of smooth talkers – no matter what profession they practice, no matter what social class they belong to, no matter what religion they adhere to, no matter how beautiful or popular or rich they are.  Because they do not always have our best interest at heart.  This is true in politics, and this is especially true in leader/follower or mentor/mentoree relationships.  In my current context, I have seen this time and time again as families entrust the care of their young children to individuals who they think are good men.  But they turn out to be the worst kind of charlatans and do unspeakable things to children who range from the age where they just barely cut their teeth to the late teens and early 20s.  Things are not always as they seem, and we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to study it out from every different angle possible, and especially to not fall into traps that so often come with the proverbial bandwagon.  We do not have to be like everyone else.  We do not have to keep up with the Jonses (sorry, Dan and Darla!).

Families are the most important thing that you and I have, and they are society’s most important unit.  Nothing can replace loving parents who honor their marital commitments and strive to raise their children in kindness, with soft voices and warm hands, and with the purest of love.  Parents, don’t get sucked into the media and money-crazed world that we live in.  Put the phone, laptop, iPad down (or anything that is similar metaphorically) and pay attention to that little voice who is asking for your attention or to the little hand resting on your knee in the hopes that you will pick him/her up and hug him/her close.  The phone will be there when you get back.  So will the computer or the TV or that book or that project you’re working on.  Stop allowing yourself to be distracted by the things that matter the least and ignoring the people that mean the most.  I have always been very sensitive to the needs and actions of little children – and if anything, these last 10 months have made me even more so.  Play with them, speak gently to them, hug them, kiss them.  Remember that when they’re little they’re still learning – don’t develop unrealistic expectations for a young child that s/he cannot achieve.  If you do, you’re setting both you and him/her up for heartache and disappointment, and the little one will learn to fear you and not trust you.   Help your kids know and understand by your words – and most importantly – your actions that they are loved and that no matter what happens in the world or what stupid (or serious) mistake they make that you will always, always, always love them.  Don’t let your bad mood dictate how you treat them – it’s your problem, not theirs.  Because they will remember it, and their little spirits will break.

Remember that the relationship you have with your spouse affects them in ways that you can’t even fathom.  So if you and your spouse aren’t doing so great, love yourself, him/her and especially your child enough to evaluate where you went off track.  Stop getting mad over stupid stuff.  Stop yelling.  Stop arguing.  Be adults and learn to work out your differences like adults.  The other person isn’t entirely at fault.  You share part of the blame.  So stop deluding yourself into thinking otherwise.  Of course there are situations where splitting up and divorcing is inevitable and the best solution in the end.  But by and large, your problems can be fixed fairly easily.  So be a man (or woman as your situation dictates) and suck it up.  Stop being so selfish.  Because it’s not just you who is unhappy.  Your spouse is, too.  And remember that there is a little pair of eyes watching you from around the wall, eyes that are filled with pain, tears, and fear because you are his/her world.  And if your world falls apart due to ridiculous reasons, so will his/hers.  I don’t care how old the child is – even if s/he is an adult.  I promise you that they will have the harder end of the deal than you.

I realize that these are harsh words.  Most of you know that I have no tolerance for those kind of things.  But as one who has seen to the bottom of the cesspool, please realize that I only have your best interests (and those of children) in mind when I say what I say.  Can children and child-rearing be difficult?  Yes, of course.  Don’t think for one minute that I don’t recognize this or that I haven’t experienced it just because I’m not yet a mother.  But remember that your child can test your patience, love, and metal without you reacting or retaliating in a way that is unbecoming of their parent, the person that should love them unconditionally.  They don’t force you to react one way or the other.  They have no control over your reaction.  You chose how you will respond.  Not them.

Cherish your families and treat them accordingly. Live so you won’t have any regrets if you don’t wake up tomorrow.  Live so your children know, see, and understand that they are loved.

Lastly, God lives and He is good.  Despite of what I have seen and experienced lately (and even in my past), I know that He is aware of us as individuals and that He cares very much about what we are all going through.  I’ve heard the following expression over and over since my arrival in Senegal: “God?  What God?  How can He see this suffering and not do anything about it?  If God exists, He must be dead.”

God is not dead.  He is always reaching out to us, always willing to relieve our pain, always willing to enfold us in His arms of love.  But just like any other relationship, we must put forth the effort to know Him and embrace His goodness.  How can He help us if we give into despair and refuse to find the good in the world and people that surround us?  How can He help us if we have adopted a fatalistic attitude?

He can’t.

Let us be better friends and disciples, let us seek for and fight for the good.  And we will find that He is and always has been right by our side.

There is always hope.  There is always light at the end of His tunnel – we just have to choose not to dynamite the cavern and block our path to what lies ahead.

So in a nutshell, that’s what Senegal and studying/working with victims of child trafficking have taught me.  There’s certainly a lot more, but in essence, my time here has helped push aside the fluff and focus on what’s important.

I pray that I may keep this perspective uncluttered and move forward with faith, hope, the determination to work hard, and the courage to love when it is difficult to do so.

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Bucket List or List of Buckets?

The best piece of architecture in the whole movie!

The first time that I’d ever head of a “bucket list” was when the movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman came out in 2007.  I was kind of hesitant to see the movie (usually I really like Jack Nicholson, but sometimes he can be kind of crass), but I ended up giving in and rented it.  So glad I did.  The movie had a really great message, and I really liked the ending where Nicholson’s character kisses his little granddaughter, who he has never seen before, and was finally able to check off the “kiss the most beautiful girl in the world” item.  I think what really touched me about that scene was how his perspective had changed from the time that he first found out that he didn’t have much longer to live.  That “beautiful” girl no longer had to be an actress or a Playboy centerfold model.  He recognized that life wasn’t always about the glitz, glamour, and fame.  Additionally, it showed that some of life’s most precious and most important things are right in front of us, and because we’re always setting our sights on something bigger, grander or more exotic, we miss what counts the most.

Now, back to the whole premise of the movie.  The bucket list.  While I’d never heard of the term, I was familiar with what it stood for.  I’ve always had my mental “bucket list,” but I never called it that.  The items on it are/were simply my goals in life.  Now I refer to it as my bucket list – simply because that’s currently the buzz phrase – but I think that that title is actually a misnomer.  Why?  Because it focuses on what we should or want to do before the end of our lives, aka “kick the bucket” – hence the presence of the word “bucket.”  But when you think about it, isn’t that kind of sad and morbid?  Seriously.  Think of the image.  When you literally kick a bucket, it’s contents spill out and you make a mess.  Or, if it’s empty it makes a pitiful, hollow clank as it bounces on the ground after your foot connects with it.

Isn’t one of the whole purposes of life to have a fulfilled and happy one?  So transferring the literal imagery I just used to the metaphorical naming of one’s list of life’s goals, why in the world would you want to kick the bucket at the very end?  Because then all of what you worked for spills all over, makes a mess, and if what it contains happens to be a “liquid,” then it’s completely irretrievable.  Conversely, if we only focus on the “things” of life, we’re really missing out on the whole reason we’re here.  Pretty soon the things aren’t enough, and we become dissatisfied of the wonderful people, events, times that we’ve been blessed with, because we think they don’t match up to what someone else has accomplished in their life.  If we get caught in that trap we perpetually look at our bucket as empty and make ourselves miserable trying to “fill” it up.

Some of you are saying, “Yeah, but Lark, that’s the whole point.  You fill the bucket [life] up.”

And I’d reply, “Yeah, I know.  But the phrase under fire here is stupid.  It’s connotation in this whole “bucket list” craze is completely messed up.  We all know that the original figure of speech destines the bucket to be kicked over and EMPTY in the end.  A tipped-over bucket cannot be full.  It’s physically impossible for it to be otherwise.  And we need stop thinking that we (or our lives) aren’t as good as someone else’s.”

What’s my point?  My point is 1) we should get out of the habit of calling our list of goals by that name, 2) that death isn’t the end of life so 3) if we “miss” an item, we shouldn’t feel that our life isn’t as meaningful as it *could* be, 4) why are we only focusing on one bucket filled with “things” anyway?

I think it would be much more accurate to look at each of our goals as individual buckets that are filled with life-giving water.  That means that we turn today’s catch-phrase on it’s ear: the bucket is not the object of focus, nor the destination, nor or the final recipient.  Rather, the bucket/goal is a tool which transports the lesson and experience [the water] from its source and enables us to more easily internalize it.  Because truly, life is a gift from our Father in Heaven and is made possible by Jesus Christ.  So the water comes from Him and – I’m fully convinced of this – He inspires us to choose certain goals.  And hopefully as we live, we become a little better, more kind, more gentle, more loving, generous, understanding, a more Christ-like person.  Therefore when we internalize the water – which we drew with the buckets – we fill and change ourselves.  More simply, we – our characters – are the object of focus.

So, when we view our list of goals in this light, do we see some specific items that need to be modified?  I know I do.  That’s not to say that our goals should only be religiously based.  That would be silly, and I don’t think God would want it that way.  But the question remains: do our goals really make us more like our Savior?  Are those top 5 (or 10 or 20) items really that important, or are they only there because lots of other people have that on their list?  Will the goals really bring our families lasting happiness?  Chances are that they’re worthy goals, but are we “looking beyond the mark”?  By that I mean can we accomplish the main objective of a particular goal in another – and maybe better – way than what we have listed?  When truly evaluated, are they distracting us from what God really wants us to to do?  Are we missing the wonderful things that are right in front of us?

We should – by all means – dream, plan, work, and accomplish wonderful things.  We’ve been destined to do so.  But let us make sure that we’re doing it in the right way, in the right time, and with approval of Him who knows what’s best for our well-being.  Let us not focus on the buckets, but what they contain – and let’s make sure they contain what’s most important.

Do I have a bucket list?  Yep, I do.  But I’d rather have a list of buckets that reminds me of what I want to become and not solely of what I want to do.  Guess I better get crackin’!

Incomplete

Incomplete: not having all the necessary or appropriate parts; not full or finished.

Yep, Merriam-Webster’s definition aptly describes this past year.  Fall 2011 I took an incomplete for my 19th century poetry class, and Spring 2012 I had to take another incomplete for my African 901 course.  That time it was due to missing a month of school during the time I had mono.  All things come in threes, right?  Well, it’s true in this case.  My third incomplete came when I returned to Wisconsin early from Florida to attend Grandpa’s funeral.

Thankfully, incompletes are not final grades and they don’t stay on your transcript forever.  An incomplete, when given in the academic world, is a very tangible expression of a professor’s humanity and shows that s/he has a heart.  When s/he extends this lifeline of mercy, the student has extra time to complete missed coursework, exams and/or final papers.  And I must admit that I have great professors who have been more than willing to work with me.  They’ve been quite sympathetic to the varying situations that have prevented me from completing my work by the end of the semester.  I will always be grateful for their kindness.

The other good news is that I finished the work for African 901 and my Wolof course at the University of Florida last week.  And guess what?  I earned the grades that I wanted.  It took me longer than I originally planned – and it hung over my head during Christmas break and my whole summer – but in the end, it worked out fine.  The end result was the same or even better than it would have been if I’d finished everything by the dates set arbitrarily by the University.

Why is this such a big deal?  Well, up until this year I’d always seen incompletes as taboo or as a red flag that signaled to my professors that I wasn’t a very good graduate student.  Thankfully I’ve learned that incompletes aren’t necessarily bad things.  In fact, they’re a way of granting extra time to learn, accomplish or finish something that is important.

I have to admit, though, that while I was working through this series of incompletes I  became frustrated with the situation and myself.  I just wanted to be done and move on to the next part of life or my next project, not having to divide my attention between too many things.  However now that the whole ordeal is over, I have seen parallels between this academic experience and regular life.  For example, when I set goals it doesn’t take my brain very long to go through a myriad of situations that relate to how I’m going to accomplish the goal, how much time I need to spend doing certain things, people I need to talk to, individuals that I need to read into my project, the cons of said goal or project, etc etc. And then, once I’ve decided that it’s really worth my time and effort, I really zero-in on the end result and I make it happen.  Of course I’m not alone in my efforts, and I’m grateful to those who open up doors in my behalf and who support me in my endeavors.

Having said that, I  must also say that I’m quite linear in my process of getting from Point A to Point B.  I’m driven, almost to a fault.  Usually hiccups and detours don’t bother me very much, and I feel that I’m pretty good at adapting to changes in my plans.  But sometimes when life takes a different turn than I have anticipated, it can be hard to “take an incomplete” and wait or continue working until the timing is more auspicious for the realization of what I had envisioned.

I think we all go through things like that.  Wanting and working to make a career change or earning a degree; dating, finding a good spouse and creating a meaningful marriage; having and raising children; moving to the house or city of your dreams; taking that trip around the world; overcoming a bad habit, etc, etc.  At times we set arbitrary deadlines for these goals and when that deadline rolls around, we’re disappointed in ourselves for not having accomplished our goal.

Why do we do that?  I have no idea.  But we do.  We forget to find joy in the journey and we lose our perspective.  This whole discussion fits right in with one of my previous blog posts, especially since the same conclusion that I made there applies here.  Thankfully it’s been reaffirmed to my mind and heart this past week…

We have to remember that Heavenly Father is in charge and that He has our best interests in mind.  He’s the Master Planner.  He sees the end from the beginning, and He knows what needs to happen in our lives in order for us to find lasting happiness.  He wants us to plan, set goals, and work to see their fruition.  He also wants us to include Him in our plans.  There will be moments when He says, “Slow down, take an incomplete for a little while.  There’s something else that you need to learn and experience before you can fully appreciate the first goal you have.  This time will give you an opportunity to see other alternatives that lead to better results than what you’ve already planned.  Yes, it will take you longer than you previously thought, but that’s ok.  Doubt not, fear not.  You’ll be happy with the end result.”

In the grand scheme of things, incompletes aren’t something to be ashamed of or something to despise.  They’re blessings, something that I call tender mercies, sent from a loving Father in Heaven who knows and loves us.  If we choose to remain happy and full of faith, incompletes turn out to make life more complete.